"Cut that person out of your life!"
I hear phrases like this all the time. Especially on social media. Everybody advises getting rid of toxic people. Cut off those relationships. I will concede, that at times, this is necessary - but not often. If you are being abused - GET OUT. Immediately. Most of the time, discussions about toxic people don't include abuse, just difficult human behaviors.
Perhaps a better course of action, before cutting off a relationship, might be to ask yourself, "Why do I attract toxic people?"
A person who has a pattern of cutting off relationships, or attracting toxic people, might have some unresolved emotional pain that is driving this behavior. If you struggle to maintain relationships when there is conflict, or when difficult issues and situations crop up, it may be worth looking within yourself at what is lying dormant that can be addressed and resolved.
We live what we know. If you grew up in a home with unhealthy emotional boundaries and behaviors, that is what you learned. None of us have a perfect background. We all have inner work to do as we grow up. If you have not healed old emotional wounds, they will remain present in your life until you do.
You don't like to say no to people and derive a sense of value and worth from what you can do for others. Receiving approval from others drives your sense of value and worth.
You like to help others and you feel a genuine sense of empathy and have a lot of compassion. Toxic people sense this and crave this attention. If you do not have and enforce boundaries, you will be consumed by this need. Which brings us to...
Without boundaries, people take advantage of us. The only people who object to your boundaries, are people who violate them. Emotionally healthy people understand and honor boundaries. Learning to say no, learning how to put a time limit on what you are willing to give to others, and learning how to let them be in charge of fixing their situation and not taking that on yourself will help you tremendously.
All of us deal with insecurities and how to overcome them. Feeling insecure is a universal human experience and can be overcome. Spiritual practices go are tremendously beneficial in helping us to understand our value and worth. Affirmations are helpful as well. Insecurities can show up as self-doubt, by settling for a situation that we do not like, and by hiding our true self in order to be what others need us to be.
All of these habits, beliefs, and behaviors can be healed. You can grow your spiritual and emotional health and become the person you would like to be AND attract the people in your life that will build you up and not wear you down.
I have a bunch of resources, many are free, to help you get started on this healing journey. Click here to access the entire online catalog. If you would like to have a consultation about your unique needs, click here. If you are ready to jump in and do the hard work and enjoy the fruits of spiritual and emotional health in six months, click here.
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Hi, my name is Melissa Ebken, and I'm so glad you found your way here.
I am at home in the difficult spaces of peoples’ lives, willing to listen and to support those who work to grow themselves. I am a trained coach and have consulted with churches in conflict. Not your stereotypical minister, I embrace the Gospel with joy and laughter as I seek to help those around me grow in faith and understanding, always striving to leave people better than they came. An agent of wholeness, I create a safe space for people, especially those who have been marginalized, where they can understand how ridiculously loved and valued they are by God/Higher Power/Spirit, and to experience the difference that makes in life.
I started the Pursuing Uncomfortable Podcast to share the stories of people who have faced life's most difficult challenges, to inspire you to lean into and overcome your own. It's helpful to know that you're not alone in your struggles and to see how others have navigated similar circumstances. You can listen to it here.
Here's what I can do for and with you.